Last Monday, I had another date with Masa. This time, in keeping with a suggestion he had made on the previous date, he made dinner for me at my place. He brought all the ingredients and most of the necessary tools for cooking. The menu: sashimi, miso soup, and a store-bought sushi roll. The fish for the sashimi was fresh snapper; I don't know much about fish, but it's apparently very good quality. It was pinkish red and really big. Masa prepared the fish and then made the miso soup. None of it took him very long, but it wasn't terribly easy for him to cook in my tiny kitchen. He didn't complain but he did comment that it was difficult. After cooking in a restaurant's kitchen, my kitchen must seem unbelievably small.
Even though I don't like fish all that much, I thought the sashimi was good. I don't really enjoy the texture of uncooked fish, but it tasted fine. It was really pretty to look at as well; the outside edge had sort of a marbled pinkish look, and the meat was a translucent white. He arranged it very nicely on a pile of grated daikon. The miso soup was probably my favorite part of the meal, though; it was great. It had tofu and daikon and some greens my iPod told me were "edible chrysanthemum". We ate slowly and talked during the meal. I don't think we talked about anything that significant, mostly it was about food. Masa got on my nerves a little with his incredulity at the fact that I can barely cook. We've been over it before, so I didn't really feel like talking about it yet again. He commented on how much instant food I have in my pantry basket, and told me that it's not good for me, which I also did not appreciate. But mostly I enjoyed our conversation.
After we were done eating, Masa got back to the question I had asked him last time. In short, he does want me to be his girlfriend. It sounded like he's not in a rush, but that's the direction he wants to head in. I explained again that while I like spending time with him, I'm not interested in anything serious. I reminded him that I won't be in Japan forever. Even with those warnings, he still wants to keep going on dates. Though it's Masa's choice to keep trying, I kind of wonder if I shouldn't just end things myself. It feels wrong to accept so much kindness and attention when I know I have nothing to offer in return. I think Masa believes that if he just keeps trying, my feelings will change. Since I know that's not the case, continuing to go out with him seems like leading him on.
I'm still trying to work out what I should do, but at this point I'm leaning toward telling him outright that it's over. I don't much like the idea of actually doing it, since I'd have to be very blunt in order to make myself understood (language barrier, as always), but I feel like it's the better thing to do. Friends have suggested just turning down his invitations in the future until he takes the hint, but I think that he might keep waiting and holding on for a long time. I know that I felt very hurt by the fact that Takashi just suddenly stopped talking to me and couldn't be bothered to say goodbye, so I don't like the idea of doing something similar to Masa. Not that it would feel much better to be told flat out that you've got no chance. But at least that way I wouldn't be wasting any more of his time, or dragging it out. Masa wants to come over tomorrow night to watch a movie, so we'll see if I can get my nerve up.
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