On Monday night, I had my last date with Masa. I had been thinking for a while that I should probably end things. Masa was considerably more interested in me than I was in him and I felt bad about it. I had warned him that that was the case, but he seemed to have the attitude that if he were just kind to me for long enough, I'd come around eventually. Knowing he felt that way, continuing to give him chances would've felt like leading him on.
Though I'd pretty well made up my mind, actually telling Masa was not particularly easy. I wasn't even sure I would do it until he started trying to make plans for the next date. He was suggesting a number of things that would've been both time consuming and expensive for him, like going to a theme park or making a day trip to the Seto Bridge (the one that links Shikoku and Honshu). At that point I knew that I couldn't keep letting him do these things for me. It would've felt dishonest, knowing that I wasn't interested and still accepting so much from him. So at that point I told him that I thought we should stop going on dates. It was very abrupt, but I really don't think there's a smooth way to work that into a conversation.
After that I explained to Masa why I thought we should stop going on dates. He asked a few questions, like whether it was because his English wasn't good enough. I told him that wasn't the case at all. Then he asked me to explain it again, so I went back through it all using simpler language. It's really uncomfortable, even painful to explain something like that without using any euphemisms. I had to use the most direct language or he wasn't going to be able to understand what I was saying. Even then it was a little confusing for him, but in the end I think we understood each other.
Masa seemed very sad, but he kept his composure the whole time. When he was asking me questions I knew he wasn't trying to make me feel guilty or accuse me of anything. He just wanted to be sure he understood what I was telling him. I was probably more visibly upset than he was; at one point he apologized for making me feel bad. He really is a sweet guy.
After the lengthy awkwardness, Masa decided it was time to go. We said goodbye, and apologized to each other again. Masa said something that made me think he might call me again eventually, but I'm not entirely sure if that was what he meant. I would be happy if we could be friends, but I can imagine it might be a while before that would be possible for him.
In the end, I'm not entirely sure I did the right thing. My conscience is clear, but I wonder whether I might not have been gradually coming to like him more. Maybe he would've won me over eventually. I didn't feel the initial attraction that I've felt with other guys (such as Takashi), but I know that I liked him better toward the end than I did at the beginning. So I feel a little bit of doubt, and a little bit of regret. But there's no taking it back now, so I'm trying not to dwell on it. It is incredibly frustrating, though, to know that I wouldn't have had to be alone if I just could've liked him a little more. Masa was kind, handsome, and interested in me. I still don't understand what was missing. But I guess there must've been something, or I wouldn't have felt guilty that he cared about me. Now it's back to square one, which might not be such a terrible thing.
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