Today I had only a half day of work (leftover compensatory leave that needed to be taken), so I spent the afternoon at Aeon Mall. It's a good place for wandering around and looking at things. This visit to the mall turned out to be a veritable roller coaster of emotions. Rather than going in chronological order (and likely providing an unnecessarily detailed account of everything I did), I'll categorize a few of today's experiences.
Depression: Realizing that about half the stores I went into carried few (if any) items in my size. Besides being inconvenient, it's a lovely reminder of the fact that I am very visibly different from all the people around me. A lot of stores carry most of their items in size M only, and a Japanese "Medium" is comparable to an American "Small". Japanese size S looks like it belongs on a child. In my worst moments, I get self-conscious (and paranoid) enough that I worry that the store employees can see that I can't fit into any of the clothes and wonder what I'm doing in the store. When I go to one particular shoe store in the mall, I wonder if the employees see me coming and remember me as the girl who can't fit into anything. On two or three occasions, I've found a shoe I liked and asked the clerk if they had a larger size. So far, the answer has always been no. Of course, that may have been because I keep asking about shoes that are on the sale rack, so they likely have a smaller selection remaining.
Triumph: Discovering that I CAN buy jeans in Japan. I had previously assumed that I would never find pants here that fit me, but I found a pair in my size at Jusco today. I really only tried them on to figure out what size I was. The verdict: 73 cm, which seems to be the largest size they carry. I'm not sure what the deal is with the sizing, though, because I'm pretty sure my waist is actually about 77 cm.
Anxiety: Also at Jusco, I found a dresser that I rather liked. I don't have much furniture, so my clothing is arranged in piles in my closet. The dresser seems to be about the right size and the price was reasonable. The problem: getting it delivered. I know for a fact that the store offers delivery. However, I was extremely anxious about grabbing an employee and trying to ask how much delivery would cost and when it could be done. I don't even know the word for "delivery". I hovered around for about half an hour hoping that either someone would approach me or that I'd get my courage up and attempt communication. Neither happened, and I walked out of the store feeling rather ashamed that I hadn't even tried to ask.
[Side note: today was a very low-confidence day. I'm not usually this anxious about trying to get things done. In general, I get by pretty well using gestures and broken Japanese, and store employees are very persistent in trying to communicate. However, on days like today, I feel like I'm a burden because I can't speak properly or understand simple questions.]
Satisfaction: I always find something I want at Kaldi's, the foreign food store. Usually it's cheddar cheese. Today I spent a good deal on various kinds of sweets. An interesting find: Darjeeling Tea Marshmallows. They do taste like tea, and they're quite good.
Confusion: At one of the shoe stores, I began to wonder if I might not even know how to try on shoes in Japan. I noticed that there were small mats in various locations around the store, and it occurred to me that maybe I shouldn't be walking on them in my outdoor shoes. My theory is that they are for standing on while you're trying on a new pair of shoes. That way, when you buy a pair of shoes, you know that they're clean and haven't been used on a dirty floor. It sounds weird, but I seriously think this might be the case. I started looking around to see if anyone else was using the mats this way, but I didn't see anyone trying on shoes, so I couldn't confirm it.
Side note about shoes: There are quite a few rules about where you can and cannot wear shoes. It's fairly common knowledge that you don't wear your shoes inside a Japanese house. However, there are also some public buildings where you don't wear shoes that have been worn outside. For example, you don't wear your regular shoes into a school. All the kids have shoe lockers at their school where they keep a pair of shoes that they wear at school only. I bring a pair of shoes that I only wear indoors. Recently, I went to a school with separate buildings connected by outdoor walkways. One of the teachers tricked me into wearing my indoor shoes outdoors, and for the rest of the day I had to borrow a pair of slippers. All the schools have plenty of slippers for guests, but I don't like to wear them because they are typically very slippery, which makes going up and down stairs a challenge.
Another place you don't wear shoes: dressing rooms. Most dressing rooms are at a different level than the rest of the floor, so you have to step up into them, which is a good reminder to take off your shoes. What confused me were the dressing rooms at Sports Authority; there are some of them that you don't step up into, and which have the same carpet as the rest of the store. Do you take off your shoes when you use those ones? I'm still not sure.
Anyhow, this afternoon had a lot of ups and downs. Shopping is usually a good way to relax after a long day or week, but today it had the opposite effect. Going to the mall seemed to bring out all of my insecurities about being a foreigner in Japan. "Am I fat?" "Am I a nuisance because I can't speak Japanese?" "Am I breaking rules without even knowing it?" It was one of those days. Fortunately, these occurrences are pretty rare. In general, I'm pretty confident in my abilities and am willing to interact with other people, even if the outcome is uncertain. So don't worry; I'm doing fine.
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